Advocates against controlled crying are concerned that it goes against the basic princimpes of forming good psychological attachments. There is no quality scientific evidence that controlled crying has no harmful effects on children in the long term, and plenty of evidence that when people behave like this toward their children, it can have long-term results on the child's ability to form relationships with other people when they become adults.
The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health has written a position paper on controlled crying strongly advocating against the use of this method in children under the age of 3:
Controlled crying (also known as controlled comforting and sleep training) is a technique that is widely used as a way of managing infants and young children who do not settle alone or who wake at night. Controlled crying involves leaving the infant to cry for increasingly longer periods of time before providing comfort. The intention of controlled crying is to let babies put themselves to sleep and to stop them from crying or calling out during the night.
AAIMHI is concerned that the widely practiced technique of controlled crying is not consistent with what infants need for their optimal emotional and psychological health, and may have unintended negative consequences….
Parents should be told that the controlled crying method has not been assessed in terms of stress on the infant or the impact on the infant’s emotional development.
Where it is used recommendations should be for exercising caution and playing safe. For example, paying attention to level of distress rather than number of minutes baby has to be left to cry, or not continuing with any technique if it does not feel right.Having grown up as a child in Papua New Guinea, I was privileged to see the New Guineans looking after their children in a very natural and easy manner - I never saw them leave a baby on their own to 'cry it out' while they watch the clock.
But I also found it hard to find books and websites with guides on how to train your child to sleep without resorting to strict routines or controlled crying methods (or both in a Gina Ford style).
So... here are my tips. Any comments or tips of your own are welcome.
TEACHING BABY TO SLEEP WITHOUT ROCKING
I read a tonne of books on helping your baby to sleep. Above all, I was looking for a guide that wouldn’t advocate the use of controlled crying.
Firstly, there are some excellent classes you can attend, particularly with very young babies (before 16 weeks), which will train you on settling babies. For example Karitane (NSW) and Ngala (WA).
Firstly, there are some excellent classes you can attend, particularly with very young babies (before 16 weeks), which will train you on settling babies. For example Karitane (NSW) and Ngala (WA).
Of the books, the most helpful book I found was by Kim West, Good Night, Sleep Tight: the sleep lady’s gentle guide to helping your child go to sleep, stay asleep and wake up happy. It has sections for different age babies.
The book has a two-week plan, but we extended it to a month plan for our baby who was 8 months old at the time. My partner and I agreed to the plan, wrote it up on a sheet and put it on the fridge reminding us which days we would make any new changes. The first stage was by far the hardest. After about 7-10 days baby got used to the idea and the rest was comparatively easy.
By the way, Kim West advocates the use of a ‘lovey’ in the cot – a toy or small blanket that the baby can play with. I agree with this. Our baby loves having a couple of little cot toys – we have two that are hard-stuffed with no fluff, so they won’t potentially suffocate the baby. We take them with us when we travel.
Phase 1 – put baby down while awake
- To prepare baby to go to sleep I wrapped baby lightly (so that baby could get out upon waking), then read a story in the room to give baby some quiet time and let baby know it's time for sleep
- Rock baby for a few minutes then place down in the cot calm but awake (6-8 out of 10 on a sleepiness scale)
- Baby will grizzle, just sit next to baby and hum your lullabies or shh-shh or pat the cot mattress or baby. Whatever soothes baby
- You need to be in a comfortable sitting position next to the cot - some advocate out of sight, others say just low down but not standing over baby (anyone would be put off by someone staring down at them!). I sat on a chair next to the cot with a blanket over the edge of the cot between me and baby so baby couldn’t see me but know I was there. If I was really tired I’d prop a pillow against the cot so I could lean on it and relax, or have a book with me and read while humming and patting the mattress
- Don’t let baby get worked up into real tears – but do try to get put up with the ‘I need to sleep’ grizzles
- If baby ramps up the crying or if you’re not comfortable, pick up baby, reassure with some rocking for half a minute, then once settled again put baby down in the cot awake. I found I needed to do this up to 4 times over about 15 minutes for the first couple of weeks. Persevere, because it will work eventually!
- The book says you need to gradually ramp down the patting and lullabies to just intermittent shh-shh noises (so you can move onto the next stages). But I found we could just sing our usual lullabies the whole way through the process
- The book also says to start the next stage just 3 days later. We worked on about 10 days until he was more comfortable. We did move so we were at the corner of the cot closest to the door, and just patting the cot intermittently if needed. Kept humming and singing.
Phases 2 - 5
The following stages move you gradually further away from the cot, progressing to the next stage every 3 nights. The book says to keep making your shh-shh noises every now and then to let baby know you’re still there. We just continually sang our lullabies and that worked fine too.
Stay in the designated spot until baby is asleep. This is an important point – if you just wander off before baby is asleep, they can ramp up again because they realise you’re not there.
Phase 2 – sit a metre away from the cot
Do all of the above, but move a bit further away from the cot, closer to the door. Aim to sit about a metre away
Phase 3 – sit half way to the door
Do all of the above, but move a bit further away from the cot, about half-way to the door
Phase 4 – sit at the door
Do all of the above, but move a bit further away from the cot, about half-way to the door
Phase 5 – sit in hall just outside the door
Do all of the above, but sit just outside the door
The book says this last stage may need up to 6 days but it took us just 2 days.
After this, apparently, you should be able to put baby to bed and walk out of the room. This definitely worked for us. I now just read baby a story, rock for a minute or two, place in the cot while singing and tucking baby in for another minute, then slowly walk toward the door and close it. It's magic! Sometimes baby starts playing with the cot toys (so I just let baby play until the grizzling starts, then go back in and resettle.)
One of my friends says she wished she had been told to go through all this process BEFORE baby learned to stand up in the cot - having to lie them down so they can enjoy the mattress being rhythmically patted sort of defeats the purpose.
One of my friends says she wished she had been told to go through all this process BEFORE baby learned to stand up in the cot - having to lie them down so they can enjoy the mattress being rhythmically patted sort of defeats the purpose.
Some books claim that if you can get them off to sleep like this at night, they’re more likely to stay asleep because they’re better at settling themselves if they wake at night. I didn’t find this to be the case, unfortunately. But it made day-time naps MUCH easier! We had to embark on a second 'training program' for our baby to wean at night before baby would self-settle more easily (see my page on this).
